Not only am I posting here twice a week, but I’m also working on two chapters of my book every week. On top of that, I’m in three of the busiest weeks of the school year: Homecoming, the end of quarter one and Senior night (at the football game), and Parent/Teacher conferences. I’m wiped. For three weeks in a row, I’m spending over fifty hours a week at work. Then I have to find time to grade. And plan. Oh, and write. But I cannot afford to allow my chaotic schedule to hinder my writing, so I’ve been pushing through, spending hours at the computer instead of in the grade book. And even though parts of my life are suffering because of the sacrifices I’m making, I’m also learning to make the commitment to writing. It’s no longer a hobby. I have to be okay with that.
Becky told me to start checking off the completed pieces of my action plan, so I can see how much I’m accomplishing. Because, truth be told, it’s hard to see the progress without the visual verification. And Ranee gave me some much-needed words of praise this week, too. So I’m feeling pretty okay about what I finished and where I’m headed. And I need to keep moving forward. I’ve known both these women for several years, since the beginning stages of this blog. Now they help me get shit done, sometimes through non-violent slaps. I’m thankful for your help, ladies. I hope you know how much you mean to me.
There is a storm when writing about the past. For me, it’s especially difficult not to trigger my PTSD while vividly memorializing the nightmare I lived through. My time in therapy is spent moving forward, so I try to balance the amount of writing I’m doing with the progress I’m making there: any relapses set me back in my recovery. My recovery is the piece that makes me able to put pen to paper. Balancing these two pieces has been exceptionally difficult. But I’m working through it. No matter how fucking hard it is.
I often remind myself of several things:
1 – I owe it to myself to finish my book. I deserve to make this dream come true.
2 – I owe it to every woman who knows what it’s like to lose themselves in an abusive relationship but may or may not know how to cope. They are me. I am them.
3 – I am quite capable of managing my obligations, even when they’re overwhelming.
4 – I am a survivor. And I will survive this, too.
This process is bigger than me now. And it’s certainly bigger than my struggles. I’m writing through the storm, because when the sun shines over the top of all of this, I want to look back and be proud of the way I handled the rain.